Cutlery

About my 3rd week here I went out to dinner with a local who informed me I had the cutlery skills of a toddler. He pointed that I not only held my fork incorrectly but I leaned my head to the fork with each bite. And try as I might, and with all the practice I have had over the last 6 months, today I’m going to sadly and officially concur: I have the cutlery skills of a toddler and should not be seen eating in public. The scariest thing about this concept is not necessarily the mockery I am making of myself and others (such as you) while eating. The frightening reality is what other things have spawned from my poor utensil handling- what if I speak with a lisp and don’t know it? Or tie the twisty tie on the bread loaf too loosely causing it to mold earlier? Or worse, talk to my computer when writing emails? Oh, wait….

I find it is somewhat similar to my awkwardness with international greetings. Mind thinks: Okay, supervisor Paul from the Netherlands is about to leave London. What do I do? What should I do? Well…Paul is from the Netherlands, I think they do the kiss on the cheek there, right? Or should I opt for a handshake because the kiss may be too personal? Wait, I’m female that could be taken as overly aggressive? Why can’t I just wave? Uh-oh, there goes Paul standing up from the desk…
Paul: Well Becky, it was nice meeting you..send me those stats.
Becky: (stands-up but does not walk towards Paul) yea, will do. It was good seeing you
Paul: (continues to stand…waiting)
Becky: (continues to stand and thinks…which option…which)
Paul: (leaves with bag)
Becky: (still stands and does nothing for a few seconds)

So what caused me to have this amazing revelation of agreement you may ask? Well it was about the time when the chicken was ½ in my mouth and the other half fell off the fork and into my lap. At least 3 of my colleagues saw it. (Damn..why does this happen to me?!) Ever since said friend brought to my attention the visual monstrosity that is my eating, I have yet to eat out without thinking about it…which is like telling yourself not to blink, except messier. At some point in my life I learned to eat “American” style- pick up knife with the right, cut, switch hands and eat with fork in right, repeat. At some unspecified point though I became incredibly lazy…I mean why switch at all if the food is easy enough to cut side-fork style? So I mastered the side cut quickly. My side-cut muscles are now finally tuned to pivot the fork in one swift swoop. If side-cutting was an Olympic competition, I would have a clean sweep of gold in all events from ice-cream to steak.
Here in the UK side-cutting might just be the equivalent of watching a 1st degree murder or even worse, someone about to scrape their finely finished nails the full width of a chalk board. In an effort to remedy my childesque skills I have been working on my British style of eating and can now boast almost a full meal without one side cut. But then you get to the more complex foods like green peas or today’s saucy chicken which brings in the whole new category of knife cultivating. Not to mention their incredible skills with “back forking” British people literally can stack up almost any amount of small food morsels on the end of their fork within seconds using their knife to round-up the pieces, much like a rodeo spectacle. They then can use the same knife to swoop sauces, potatoes you name it on the back of the fork..hints what I call “back forking”. I have progressed in this area..but then comes the tricky part. How they consistently get all of that in their mouth before it falls off the fork is beyond me. (insert moving head towards fork to optimize time and reduce risk) As anyone can testify who has eaten with me at any point over the last 6 months, I don’t think I have made it through a meal yet without the circus spectacular that is gravity driven food headed for my lap, napkin, chin, etc.

To those who eat with me…I apologize.
I also pre-apologize for my new outfits when dining out which will consist of tailored rubbish bags and my own personal spork.