Would you like an Advice Slip?

Barclay’s Bank never fails to make me think- going to an ATM is no longer just a casual trip , it’s an experience. I like to think of the clean-cut executive marketers sitting around an oak table saying, “how will we differentiate ourselves from every other bank in London? How? I mean, with UBS claiming the serious security face, and Lloyds using the scary looking clay animation/cartoon route to connect to customers[JM1] , our options just seem so, limited.” And then one man stands up and says, “I know- we’ll make a ‘unique’ banking culture. One where we use a different language to say the same freakin’ [JM2] thing. It will make the people feel special[JM3] ! ATMs or cash machines will now be ‘Hole in the Walls’ and a receipt will be an ‘advice slip’. Yes, that’s it!” At which point I’m sure champagne was poured and magical confetti fell from the board room ceiling.[JM4]

So how do I know about this unique culture? Well, every time I go to a Barclay’s machine inevitably there is one out of three with a screen displaying , “our Hole in the Wall is out of service” with a cartoon robot that looks like the soulless avatar of evil. Additionally, I always want a receipt to monitor how quickly the £age [JM5] is disappearing. 'Where is the Cash with receipt button? Maybe this machine doesn’t give receipts.' I think. Then later on a screen of its own- “would you like an Advice Slip?” 'um, advice slip? Sure.' A normal receipt slips out of the machine. No advice, just the ever plummeting sum of money in my account. I get it, advice = You’re broke. Stop withdrawing.

Part II: The Day James Broke the Hole

(Don’t ask me how it is possible to babble this much about a bank- I know what you’re thinking. ‘She hasn’t posted in months and this is what she gives her readers? This!!’)

James was glowing, beaming in fact. It was 6:03, he got off work a little early, got to read a bit of his book, and then I actually showed up on time for dinner and begged him to have Pizza Hut. Life was good. Now just for some quick cash at the cash machine and he would be moments away from supreme bliss. “hmm hmm hmm” James hums [JM6] as he puts his card into the Barclay’s machine. He hits the buttons as he thinks, “lets give the balance a little glance and then its off to pizza.” He clicks the “balance on screen” option and the bank checks his details. James still content thinks briefly about the Alan Greenspan autobiography he is reading- ‘I wonder if he has read the Black Swan’ [JM7] he thinks. The balance is up, ‘looks miserable, looks like I’m going to cry’. “Would you like to make another transaction”, ‘yes, yes I would’ James thinks and presses the button. “Error: System shutting down”… ‘crap’[JM8] .

After a few moments the screen flashes back to its DOS programming, flashing numbers upon numbers on the screen. James waits, mouth curled into a vicious snarl at the flashing numbers; ‘please, please, please GOD NO!!!’ he thinks. The screen goes blank. In a moment of panic he starts testing all the buttons. At first he casually gives a little tap on the “return card” button, and then within the next minute he is systematically hitting all buttons at once. There is a flash of light on the screen and a slight sound, crunch, crunch. It’s gone.decides to wait a little longer. Sure enough the Tin-Man makes his entrance, “Sorry for the inconvenience, but our Whole In the Wall is out-of-service”. “I think it just ate your card” I say. “No, that was something else” James says. More crunching ensues- it’s over.

The hold music invigorated him more. I glance over to see James still at the hole in the wall, pressing the occasional one or two on his mobile. A few minutes pass, “Yes, the Barclay’s Cash Machine near Leicester Square just ate my card”. … “no, the machine near Leicester square ate my card”…”well that information is on my card, which I don’t have now”… “yes, it was swallowed”. The street around bustles with people and noise, thus making it very apparent to the woman that he is indeed still standing at the Barclay’s downtown. James relays some random facts, dates, medical records, and spells his name at least twice. A police car goes by, sirens blaring. The woman on the other end begins to laugh. James hangs up and says, “the new card will be here in 3 days”.

Sure it will…but don’t get me started on Lloyds and snail mail. :-)

James has reviewed and edited this with his own comments:

[JM1]What on Earth is this referencing?

[JM2]No clean cut Barclay's banker would ever use such language

[JM3]See comment two

[JM4]I'm not sure about this.

[JM5]Nice use of £age

[JM6]Factually innacurate

[JM7]He has

[JM8]Crap is much too weak of a word. I am no Barclays banker.